Four years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my first child I was scared to death and so so so excited!!! I told my husband who also was scared to death (the excited part came much later). We wanted a baby but we didn't actually "plan" on having one quite yet. The more reality set in the more my head began to fill with worry. I think the worry list in my head kinda went like this:
1. I want to stay at home with my child, but I carry our health insurance.
2. My husbands work doesn't offer health insurance.
3. We could NEVER live off of one income.
4. I would die if I had to work full time and put my 6 week old in daycare.
5. Someone else may see his first smile.
6. We are not ready yet for this baby.
I worried and worried...did I mention I cried too...alot. I read about how "worry" can actually increase your cortisol levels which wasn't the best for the baby, so then I worried about that too. After a couple of weeks I got on my knees and gave EVERYTHING to God, cortisol and all. I realized He had given me this baby and He has perfect timing, a sense of peace came to me. I began doing what I could (by the grace of God) and let God work out the rest. My husband got a new job, better paying, with health insurance. My employer agreed to hire me as Part time and on those days my husband or my sister in law watched my son. I saw my son's first smile and actually got a picture of it. This whole ordeal was a process that took months, but by the time my son was born the Lord had resolved everything. There is alot I'm leaving out that makes these things miraculous. Each thing like me getting to work part time seemed like a 20 step process that could have failed if one thing didn't line up, but everything did line up. Thanks be to God. I currently am a SAHM and work 2 days a week. I love both of my jobs and am grateful to have had the awesome opportunity to be at home with my kids. My children are my life, my joy and my frustration at times and I am grateful to get to experience it all.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Faith vs. Chaos
Boy, I'm not very good at this blogging stuff. I naturally have a bad relationship with computers so I can't believe I even got this far! I seem to be adding a post once a month....I'll have to change that.
I really wanted to keep a "Grateful Journal" , so I think I may use this blog as a way to journal in that way. Right now there is a lot of chaos in my life...well, to me it is chaos! I like the predictable, I almost always play it safe, I follow the rules and am a God fearing woman. I enjoy a life of "no changes", few surprises and big challenges aren't my cup of tea. I know God wants me to change that. I feel the need to be more flexible, less rigid, and to be more of a woman of faith rather than a woman of worry. I'm trying anyways! With the economy crazy and gas prices on the rise, my hubby laid off and a presidential election on the way I just feel such a sense of unease. You know that feeling you get when you start to feel happy and then you have to stop yourself and say "I know there was something I was worried about earlier?!?! OH.... Yah...my husband is getting laid off, that's it!" And then the happiness fades. It's a shame I've been living that way for the last few weeks. I am a child of God and I know He will take care of me. As I read in the book of Matthew chapter 6 last week I read about how the Lord takes care of the birds and the lilies of the field...and how much more important we are to the Lord than those things. Ashamed to admit it but at times I am one who is "of little faith". I don't know why my faith falters at times because the Lord has answered so many prayers of mine and has blessed my family in so many ways. I have NEVER doubted the existence of God or my salvation, I just struggle at times with whether my Awesome God would help little ole me...with my little ole problems. I'm excited to share with others just that! I need to tell others what He has done for me and my family and just how thankful I am for Him. That nagging worry feeling is just something satan puts in my head in attempt to damage my relationship with the Lord. Satan wants us to feel weak, helpless and defeated. I can't let that happen! So, my journey of faith begins. I choose to believe He knows my needs. I choose to KNOW the Lord will care for us and that He has a plan for our Country. Although His plan may not be "MY" plan, I have to have faith that His plan is best. After all, He's perfect...I am not.
I really wanted to keep a "Grateful Journal" , so I think I may use this blog as a way to journal in that way. Right now there is a lot of chaos in my life...well, to me it is chaos! I like the predictable, I almost always play it safe, I follow the rules and am a God fearing woman. I enjoy a life of "no changes", few surprises and big challenges aren't my cup of tea. I know God wants me to change that. I feel the need to be more flexible, less rigid, and to be more of a woman of faith rather than a woman of worry. I'm trying anyways! With the economy crazy and gas prices on the rise, my hubby laid off and a presidential election on the way I just feel such a sense of unease. You know that feeling you get when you start to feel happy and then you have to stop yourself and say "I know there was something I was worried about earlier?!?! OH.... Yah...my husband is getting laid off, that's it!" And then the happiness fades. It's a shame I've been living that way for the last few weeks. I am a child of God and I know He will take care of me. As I read in the book of Matthew chapter 6 last week I read about how the Lord takes care of the birds and the lilies of the field...and how much more important we are to the Lord than those things. Ashamed to admit it but at times I am one who is "of little faith". I don't know why my faith falters at times because the Lord has answered so many prayers of mine and has blessed my family in so many ways. I have NEVER doubted the existence of God or my salvation, I just struggle at times with whether my Awesome God would help little ole me...with my little ole problems. I'm excited to share with others just that! I need to tell others what He has done for me and my family and just how thankful I am for Him. That nagging worry feeling is just something satan puts in my head in attempt to damage my relationship with the Lord. Satan wants us to feel weak, helpless and defeated. I can't let that happen! So, my journey of faith begins. I choose to believe He knows my needs. I choose to KNOW the Lord will care for us and that He has a plan for our Country. Although His plan may not be "MY" plan, I have to have faith that His plan is best. After all, He's perfect...I am not.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Summer's End
Summer has been awesome and now I see it coming to an end. I find myself feeling like it just goes by too fast. It seems like I was longing for warmth for eternity and now it's gone and I have another 9 months or so before it returns. I do love the change of seasons and when Fall's briskness comes and the leaves begin to change I'll find myself in awe of the beautiful colors and will enjoy the comfort of my sweatpants and sweatshirts again. I just wish the cold months here weren't sooooo long!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Summer love
It's been a while since I've posted.....I'm just enjoying summer. I wish it was summer all year except the month of December, then I like the snow! We've have had so much fun with the boys lately and I find myself dreaming about what it will be like when their older....but who am I kidding.....these days are priceless! Even though it's tough to take the baby to the beach and I worry about sun exposure, mosquito bites and West Nile with my 8 month old, I just know I can never get this time back and no matter what age they are there will always be a new set of worries. So....I put it in God's hands. We go to the beach, he's had a mosquito bite or two and we're better than OK. My oldest, Mason, is loving summer too. He's learned how to ride a bike and loves to swim and play outside. He'd run from sun up till sun down if we let him. Last night we went to my parents to paint a sign for Vacation Bible School. While me and my parents painted, he drove the Gator around the yard and caught fire flies.....he loves bugs! I am so truly thankful for my children and my family, they are my life.
With the 4th approaching I've also been thinking how grateful I am for our service men and women. When you truly sit and just think about what they sacrafice it brings tears. While I watched my son catch fireflies, ride the Gator, gazed at the sunset with my 8 month old on my chest and my husband holding my 3 year old in the Lake, riding bikes in the park, having birthday parties at the YMCA, there are families many miles apart. There are daddy's at battle and mommy's praying their partner returns safetly to their child's open arms for a giant bear hug. Thanks military families, I love You and am praying for you and I will be more often. I can never thank you enough for your gift to our country.
With the 4th approaching I've also been thinking how grateful I am for our service men and women. When you truly sit and just think about what they sacrafice it brings tears. While I watched my son catch fireflies, ride the Gator, gazed at the sunset with my 8 month old on my chest and my husband holding my 3 year old in the Lake, riding bikes in the park, having birthday parties at the YMCA, there are families many miles apart. There are daddy's at battle and mommy's praying their partner returns safetly to their child's open arms for a giant bear hug. Thanks military families, I love You and am praying for you and I will be more often. I can never thank you enough for your gift to our country.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
It's a new day!
I have had so many monumental events in the past 10 years. I got married, had two kids , bought a home, got two dogs....it just seems like so much has happened! I have changed so much over these years. I no longer am the same person I was 10 years ago, and it's for the better. I love my kids more than I could ever grasp the concept of. They bring meaning to my life in a way that nothing else ever has. Every day has a greater purpose, a new meaning and life is no longer for or about me....it's all about them. Every emotion I feel is so much greater than ever before. When my oldest gets hurt I feel panic like none other. When I hold my 7 month old as he sleeps I feel peace like none other. When I see my son climb up the jungle gym faster than the other kids, I feel proud like none other. When I see my parents play with my children I feel fortunate like none other. Dumb things like the fact that my oldest still can't pronounce "L" at age 3 1/2 brings concern like none other "Could he have a speech problem?" I ask myself....and I ask the Dr.....and his preschool teacher....and finally a speech therapist that tells me that's normal and then that brings relief like none other AHHHHHH....he's OK!! I like so many other mom's think at the end of the day how I could have done so many things better, taught my son more, been more patient, fed him a healthier meal, gave him more milk , held the baby more, played with the baby more BLAH BLAH BLAH. I remind myself, I am human, imperfect and that tomorrow is a new day. I pray for patience and ask God to help me be the mother he wants me to be. I know I will never be perfect but like no other time in life I want to be perfect because the worst place to see your mistakes is in your own children. This blog will be about my growth as a mother, wife and child of God. I have grown a lot but I am thankful that tomorrow is a new day and I get a fresh start.
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